Friday, September 25, 2009

The Sadistic Sarah Palin Speech

"Two US delegates left early, with one saying "it was awful, we couldn't stand it any longer". He declined to be identified." - yahoo news.

When I arrived at this weird scene the trapeze artists seemed to be halfway through their act. They appeared to be heaving skinned raccoons covered in honey through the air while shooting fireworks out of their asses with no safety net to protect the attendees. Suspended in the middle was an enormous bear that seemed to become more and more agitated each time a raccoon whizzed by its jowls. I was later informed that he was only able to get his paws on 1 raccoon throughout the entire day. While watching their act I struggled to maneuver through the crowd of obese balding people, everyone seemed to be sweating profusely. I accidentally bumped into a man on stilts that was handing out kazoos bearing the confederate flag or a swastika. I’m more of a swastika kind of guy so I played it safe. After several more awkward incidents that are far too embarrassing to mention I finally managed to find a seat. To my surprise I was greeted by the sound of a whoopee cushion going off, apparently these clever bastards had put one on every single seat. Now that I was comfortably seated in a brand new folding beach chair the event was officially underway.

The event wasn’t like most, here the crowd was really able, and encouraged, to get involved. This should have been obvious seeing as each person was handed a bag of goodies upon arrival. Inside this bag were a myriad of party favors. The bags differed so I'll describe what was in mine. A fly swatter, a thesaurus, a half eaten big mac, a do it yourself home tattooing kit, melting ice-cubes, a bag of feathers, a small handgun, and a beekeepers mask. One of the people sitting next to me was lucky enough to get a Nixon mask and one of those giant foam hands, obviously I was jealous. It seemed appropriate to immediately put the beekeepers mask on, I figured if they were heaving skinned animals through the air I would need protection from whatever might come next. Luckily the speech was scheduled to start as soon as the bear devoured the poor raccoon.

Ah finally, the speech commences; the terror rushes through my veins like the climax of a panic attack. To my dismay, no less than 5 minutes in I somehow managed to pass out. I can't accurately describe what had happened or what was said during her speech. But I can tell you that I wasn't happy and had absolutely no idea how I ended up wrapped in an American flag and duct tapped upside-down to a jungle gym across the street. Luckily there were still a few drunks staggering out of the building, they were kind enough to cut me down without vomiting on my shirt.

Fore less accurate information read here or here.

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