Monday, September 21, 2009

Baucus + Health Care Reform = Failure

I was recently contacted by a government informant who told me that they were testing mescaline and its effects on chickens. One of the subjects was able to learn French in a matter of minutes and started scribbling sentences non-stop. Before long the majority of the Republican Party arrived after hearing about this feat. Soon after their arrival they called their most trusted translator, 2 hours later he arrived at the animal testing facility. It took him several hours to decipher what these drug induced chickens were writing. The chickens were quite unruly during the initial arrival however they eventually calmed down after several hallucinogenic freak-outs. During that time the drug had seemed to turn on them, they were flying all over the room attacking what seemed to be invisible farmhands.

After 24 hours of feathers and shit flying everywhere a bill was slammed on Baucus’s desk, the chickens were given no credit, and there was no explanations regarding the origin of the bill. The translator was paid 2 million dollars, 12 barrels of oil, and received a complementary Rush Limbaugh t-shirt for his services.

This proposed bill is as useless as a dog-fighting ring in the middle of my 1 bedroom apartment. Bipartisan? Hell no. Progressive….if you’re a zombie or 12,000 years old, sure. I mean honestly, what toilet did this twisted old timer find this thing in? I was under the impression that the republicans were going to venture into their dungeon with the intent of bribing their all-knowing wizards to work their geezer magic. After payment via boy toys and sexual favors they would concoct a shamanistic health care reform bill that gave everyone in America a puppy and 2 scoops of ice cream. Unfortunately everyone was let down because this piece of shit makes absolutely zero sense. I mean how long were we hearing about this, and how it was going to be a major break through, in one form or another? It’s been months if I recall correctly. Wheres the public option? No where to be seen.

UPDATE nytimes:
"Saying he has heard his critics, the chairman of the Senate Finance Committee, Max Baucus, said Monday in an interview that he would modify his health care bill to provide more generous assistance to moderate-income Americans, to help them buy insurance. He also said he would make changes to reduce the impact of a proposed tax on high-end health insurance policies. Mr. Baucus, a Montana Democrat, disclosed his plans in an interview a day before the committee is to begin meeting to debate and vote on sweeping legislation to remake the health care system and guarantee insurance for millions of Americans."

Read the full article here.

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