Monday, September 28, 2009

O’Reilly Vs. Jesus Camp, Regarding Indoctrination

O’Rielly recently spoke about indoctrination found within a harmless song that some school children were singing about Obama. The message, as always, was innocuous and twisted by the miserable media. What did the message, or song, say? Work hard, people should be treated equally, help your neighbor/country, and so forth.

From Media Matters:

The only ammunition that one can use in stating that this is indoctrination is the countdown. Honestly though, that’s just bat shit nuts. There are countdowns in classic rock songs, hip-hop songs, shuttle launches, the New Year, etc. Does this mean that these ideas are being forced on people? Hell no. O’Rielly also states that there are no songs praising bush, which also means that people weren’t attempting to force feed ideological views down children’s throats. Well I find that hard to believe when videos such as this are so readily available.

There are a handful of these, this is just an excerpt.

Were these sick bastards really forcing these children to pray to a cardboard cutout of Bush? Weird, they were. “Mhmmmm Mhmmmm Mhmmmmm, George W. Bush, you just can’t imagine it in a million years,” states Mary Katharine Ham. Could any sane person actually imagine that? Hell no. What did that twisted illiterate, politically inept, asshole every accomplish that was song worthy? Absolutely nothing. I’d love to hear one positive thing that Bush did for this country. Crickets. Facts are facts, there’s really nothing more to say, the video says it all.

Friday, September 25, 2009

The Sadistic Sarah Palin Speech

"Two US delegates left early, with one saying "it was awful, we couldn't stand it any longer". He declined to be identified." - yahoo news.

When I arrived at this weird scene the trapeze artists seemed to be halfway through their act. They appeared to be heaving skinned raccoons covered in honey through the air while shooting fireworks out of their asses with no safety net to protect the attendees. Suspended in the middle was an enormous bear that seemed to become more and more agitated each time a raccoon whizzed by its jowls. I was later informed that he was only able to get his paws on 1 raccoon throughout the entire day. While watching their act I struggled to maneuver through the crowd of obese balding people, everyone seemed to be sweating profusely. I accidentally bumped into a man on stilts that was handing out kazoos bearing the confederate flag or a swastika. I’m more of a swastika kind of guy so I played it safe. After several more awkward incidents that are far too embarrassing to mention I finally managed to find a seat. To my surprise I was greeted by the sound of a whoopee cushion going off, apparently these clever bastards had put one on every single seat. Now that I was comfortably seated in a brand new folding beach chair the event was officially underway.

The event wasn’t like most, here the crowd was really able, and encouraged, to get involved. This should have been obvious seeing as each person was handed a bag of goodies upon arrival. Inside this bag were a myriad of party favors. The bags differed so I'll describe what was in mine. A fly swatter, a thesaurus, a half eaten big mac, a do it yourself home tattooing kit, melting ice-cubes, a bag of feathers, a small handgun, and a beekeepers mask. One of the people sitting next to me was lucky enough to get a Nixon mask and one of those giant foam hands, obviously I was jealous. It seemed appropriate to immediately put the beekeepers mask on, I figured if they were heaving skinned animals through the air I would need protection from whatever might come next. Luckily the speech was scheduled to start as soon as the bear devoured the poor raccoon.

Ah finally, the speech commences; the terror rushes through my veins like the climax of a panic attack. To my dismay, no less than 5 minutes in I somehow managed to pass out. I can't accurately describe what had happened or what was said during her speech. But I can tell you that I wasn't happy and had absolutely no idea how I ended up wrapped in an American flag and duct tapped upside-down to a jungle gym across the street. Luckily there were still a few drunks staggering out of the building, they were kind enough to cut me down without vomiting on my shirt.

Fore less accurate information read here or here.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Same-Sex Marriage Has No Impact on Iowans Lives (92% say)

Contrary to popular belief the gays aren’t running around attempting to sadomize your children. Nor are they threatening the failed institution of marriage. I’m not gay but I do support same sex mirriage. Why shouldn’t I? It wouldn’t affect my way of living. The majority of Iowans seem to agree. 92% of Iowans say that legalizing same-sex marriage has had no impact on their lives. My question is….how were the other 8% impacted? Did they end up in the wrong part of town? Were transvestites ransacking their local trailer park? Were children missing and finger-painted dildos left all over the kitchen counter? Of course not. I’d really like to get my hands on one of these slimy bastards that fall into the 8% category and interrogate them. Maybe its time to leave the gays alone.

Palin to Speak About US Foreign Policy

Apparently Sarah Palin is going to be speaking about US foreign policy and China sometime soon. Now I know this may be somewhat hard to grasp if you’re a logical human being, but it’s happening, against all odds.

“Palin, mocked during last year's presidential campaign for her lack of experience in foreign affairs and for her verbal gaffes, is due to address hundreds of financial big-hitters at the CLSA Investors' Forum on Wednesday.”

Personally, I wouldn’t trust this woman to make an omelet, fearing imminent food poisoning, let alone represent this country & its views on foreign policy. In all honesty she, and people that support her, are an embarrassment to this country, and the human race in general. These are the people who are misinformed and undereducated. These are the same freaks that think their taxes are going to be raised if Obama’s health care bill passes. These are the people that the right wing media loves to exploit for profits sake. These poor fools are pawns and they are totally unaware of it.

“Palin was chosen to speak since she's a possible Republican candidate in the next US presidential election and because of her influential role in politics.”

Read the entire article here.

This is truly upsetting when someone of this stature is considered to be a possible presidential candidate, especially by other countries. Sure, she’s likeable as a person and somewhat attractive if you’re used to fucking sheep and other farm animals, but come on people are we really that sick and demented? Things are getting so far out of hand that before we know it a bunch of wild-eyed crazies are going to show up on the white house lawn bearing confederate flags with machetes and assault rifles in hand screaming bits about Socialism, Fascism, Marxism, and so forth. What’s sad about this is that these poor bastards obviously have no idea what these words actually mean. Unfortunately everything that Obama proposes seem so intangible and esoteric that their legs go limp and faces start to melt. What a sad state of affairs.

9/12 Glenn Becks Bat Shit Showdown

I’m ashamed to say this but the current state of this country is reminiscent of a bad trip on 15 tabs of LSD while being stuck in a never-ending, unforgiving, labyrinth of stupid. This is a place where lunatics run wild heaving shit & false accusations at everyone in sight whether they be friend or foe. God for bid you end up in melee range of one of these temperamental mutants, they are bound to gnaw at your skull or possibly pull out some teeth leaving you embarrassed, bloody, and disfigured. During the mutilation they scream absurdities, which no one can honestly comprehend or decipher. You sit there covering your head curled up in fetal position praying that the nightmare comes to an end, but it doesn’t, and it won’t for some time (now). While stuck in this sick realm one must test his merit on many different levels. Who knows what lies around the next corner? What could possibly come next? Maybe a right wing protester with an IQ of 15 that you’re forced to have a conversation with about health care reform without retaliating to violence to prove a point. Maybe even some vampire from FOX news who is an expert knife thrower and world-renowned sadist with a niche for sodomy. This maze is bad news regardless of which route you take, it’s all up hill from here. Welcome to America.

Unfortunately this, though probably not as surreal, is what most educated Americans have to deal with on a daily basis, it’s nothing to brag about and something we’re not accustomed to. We’re surrounded by swine ready to sell out to the highest bidder; their game is peddling bullshit. What happened to being one of the most impressive countries in the world? Apparently that went out the window years ago and will once again after our current president is replaced. That is of course if we let that happen/don’t do something about it. Why can’t we all rise up as Americans and realize that there are major issues in this country that need immediate attention. Health care, wars, corruption, the FED, unlimited corporate contributions to government officials, wiretapping, torture, and so forth. Instead of thinking logically and behaving responsibly everyone is busy beating the shit out of one another either physically or verbally, debate or prison rape. We’re all stuck in the middle of an epidemic and its getting worse by the minute.

That rant is of course referring to the 9/12, tea bagger, and other insanely inept protests that have occurred recently. Yes I know it’s a bit late but this article was supposed to be posted a week ago. Oh well, shit happens. Regardless I still feel that it’s extremely important to expose these events and the disinformation that seems to flow through the attendees dying varicose veins. It’s hard to put words to describe this shit show of ignorance without drool oozing out of the side of my mouth. So instead I’ll supply you with video footage and some photographs, this way you can form your own conclusions. I recommend a bib and at least 12 shots of 100 proof vodka for this trip.



Have fun attempting to piece your brain back together after your head explodes.

Baucus + Health Care Reform = Failure

I was recently contacted by a government informant who told me that they were testing mescaline and its effects on chickens. One of the subjects was able to learn French in a matter of minutes and started scribbling sentences non-stop. Before long the majority of the Republican Party arrived after hearing about this feat. Soon after their arrival they called their most trusted translator, 2 hours later he arrived at the animal testing facility. It took him several hours to decipher what these drug induced chickens were writing. The chickens were quite unruly during the initial arrival however they eventually calmed down after several hallucinogenic freak-outs. During that time the drug had seemed to turn on them, they were flying all over the room attacking what seemed to be invisible farmhands.

After 24 hours of feathers and shit flying everywhere a bill was slammed on Baucus’s desk, the chickens were given no credit, and there was no explanations regarding the origin of the bill. The translator was paid 2 million dollars, 12 barrels of oil, and received a complementary Rush Limbaugh t-shirt for his services.

This proposed bill is as useless as a dog-fighting ring in the middle of my 1 bedroom apartment. Bipartisan? Hell no. Progressive….if you’re a zombie or 12,000 years old, sure. I mean honestly, what toilet did this twisted old timer find this thing in? I was under the impression that the republicans were going to venture into their dungeon with the intent of bribing their all-knowing wizards to work their geezer magic. After payment via boy toys and sexual favors they would concoct a shamanistic health care reform bill that gave everyone in America a puppy and 2 scoops of ice cream. Unfortunately everyone was let down because this piece of shit makes absolutely zero sense. I mean how long were we hearing about this, and how it was going to be a major break through, in one form or another? It’s been months if I recall correctly. Wheres the public option? No where to be seen.

UPDATE nytimes:
"Saying he has heard his critics, the chairman of the Senate Finance Committee, Max Baucus, said Monday in an interview that he would modify his health care bill to provide more generous assistance to moderate-income Americans, to help them buy insurance. He also said he would make changes to reduce the impact of a proposed tax on high-end health insurance policies. Mr. Baucus, a Montana Democrat, disclosed his plans in an interview a day before the committee is to begin meeting to debate and vote on sweeping legislation to remake the health care system and guarantee insurance for millions of Americans."

Read the full article here.